Nowhere But Up

Yeah, this is one of those posts.  

A lot of things have been happening in my life, not all good, and far beyond my control.  It has been a tough summer and fall for me, physically and emotionally. It’s easy to get drained going through stressful parts of your life, and I wonder when things are supposed to get better.  These days I always hear, “It gets better”.  I wonder, when? 

I have had a lot of family drama happen, and all of it unwanted.  I don’t do well with drama; in fact, I begin to shut down, especially when it is all blamed on me.  

Here’s a little back story.  A few years ago, I decided that I needed to do whatever I had to in order to be happy.  There were people in my life that made me feel bad about myself.  I stopped going to family events like Christmas, and stayed home with my Mother on those special days.  That was what we always wanted to do anyway.  We enjoy spending time home.  I saw this like cutting out an emotional tumor, because I didn’t need to feel any worse about myself.  This went on for a few years, until now.  I haven’t been to ‘family’ christmas in over three years, similarly with ‘easter’ (which hasn’t happened for even longer) and the fourth of july (I don’t even like barbecue, and I feel that you should love your country every day instead of only one). 

Before my Grandparents traveled back south for the winter, one of them waited until I was alone, and then proceeded to have a ‘conversation’ with me.  This family member told me that I had to overlook people’s shortcomings in order to keep the family together, and that the only way a family can stay together is to forgive them.  Or, something like that.  Of course it wasn’t that simple: I am generalizing here. This made me feel hurt and sad that they didn’t see how I felt so bad around these family members, and how I deserved to be happy.  It also sent me a clear message: I am tearing the family apart. Nobody else got that talk – just me.  I am the only person that did anything wrong.  Everything is my fault. 

As per usual.  

This set the tone of my autumn season.  Awesome start, right?  

Then, there is school, with all the silly drama there.  All my family problems, which are more than what I have talked about here, have made me feel depressed again.  Well, the holidays always do that to me, but it never gets any better.  

So, I have recommitted to myself.  I love being me, and I don’t want to change for anyone.  I will not allow myself to spiral downward into deep depression and suicide again.  Now, don’t get me wrong: there will be bad days.  Everyone has unavoidable;e down days.  However, I will not allow anyone to bring down my life, be it family members or new acquaintances.  

In the spirit of this, I am vowing to ‘get in the spirit’ of the season.  I celebrate the holidays – Santa and yule and such.  I am going to make Christmas cookies because, well, COOKIES!  It is thanksgiving soon.  I will try not to be negative this year.  

I miss my father terribly.  I know he wants me to be happy, and after all, this was his favorite time of year!  I will try my best to have a good time.  Nobody can drag me down again.  I will not let them. There’s nowhere to go but up. 

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate all your support.  

National Suicide Prevention Week.

So, you guys may or may not know that it’s national suicide prevention week.

I know.  Awesome start to a blog, huh?

But stay with me.  I just want to talk for a minute or two about this.  It’ll be warm and fuzzy.  And afterward we can have coffee and cookies and watch Adventure Time. (Which is an AMAZING SHOW FOR ALL AGES.)

Now, before I start, let me tell you that I’ve started seeing the counselor at school.  It has taken a lot for me to go because I don’t trust normal therapists.  This is the counselor at a community college, which doesn’t earn the greatest money.  She is there because she wants to help people.  People like me.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life.  Over the years I have learned not to talk about it because people of the stigma surrounding the entire thing.  Even the word ‘depression’ invokes a fight or flight response.  Some people simply don’t know how to handle it, or they automatically think you are seeking attention, or even make it up.  I promise you, I’m not.

Personally, I think depression is different for everyone.  In my mind (which is far from scientific), there’s a scale with different levels of severity.  That makes it hard to see in people.  Now, depression isn’t simply feeling sad.  It’s not having a dark day.  “I didn’t get enough sleep.  I am down today.” Isn’t depression.  That’s a shitty day.  Depression makes every day shitty.  It’s an all encompassing inescapable darkness that lives inside of you every day.

Everyone will tell you to tell someone you trust, and seek help.  I tried many times.  It is difficult for me to trust therapists, so I would confide in a close friend.  They would soon stop talking to me, avoid hanging out with me, and generally treat me differently.  They couldn’t handle it.  This happened to me multiple times, and after a while I stopped bothering to tell anyone.

I have spent months and months walking the edge of suicide.  It’s a struggle with myself because I know it’s irrational.  I know that there is a solution to my problems.  I know there should be hope. But no matter how many times you tell yourself that you deserve to live, the darkness feel like it’s too much.

I began to do things to protect myself.  When I have dark times, I don’t use big knives.  I stay away from heights.  I avoid sad songs.  I don’t use large cooking knives.  My family never owned a gun, so I wouldn’t even know how to buy one (walmart?).  I use an woman’s electric shaver instead of buying razors.  I claim they are too expensive, but in reality I don’t want to have access to them if that darkness gets too big.  I take away as many things as I can until I feel more secure.  It’s a false blanket, but it helps.  Sometimes.

Over the past several years, I learned to deal with this alone.  I learned that nobody will be there to help me. Nobody will listen, or care.  Nobody will save me.

This is a truncated version of the whole picture.  It has taken me a long time to say this.  Many people are like me.  They’re out there, suffering alone because nobody will listen to them.

If someone comes to you, please listen.  Don’t walk away.  Don’t find excuses to avoid them.  Be their friend.  Give them hugs.  Give them love and support.  Check on them every day.  If you think they are suicidal, don’t leave them alone.  That person trusts you.  It takes a lot of strength to ask for help.  Please, for their sake, be there for them.  It could save their life.