Another one of those Thanksgiving posts.

Here in the U.S. it’s Thanksgiving.  Now, normally I am not a very happy person during this time of year.  However, I have decided to do my best to ‘get in the spirit’ and not have a shitty holiday season.  Don’t get me wrong, I am stressed, tired, and up-and-down on the daily depression meter.  However, I see my Counselor every week at school, which is helping me cope with life at the moment.  The good thing about the state community colleges is that they seem to really care about you.  It’s a totally different experience than the bigger universities, where you are just a number.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (the real spirit, instead of the bastardized version that promotes excessive shopping), I decided to put down a list of things I am thankful for.  Now, this is not by any means comprehensive, nor will be in any real order.

1) The sun.

2) The moon and stars.

3) My Mother, who supports me through the good and bad times and wants only my health and happiness.

4) Raspberries.

5) The Computerized Drafting and Design program, because I really, really like it.

6) That I chose to live.

7) That I have had the opportunity to live in different corners of the United States.

8) My pets, who love me unconditionally.  I love them so much.

9) Mashed Potatoes.

10) Spaghetti.

11) BBC. (Doctor Who, Sherlock, and so on)

12) Tattoos.  My tattoos are symbols of where I have been.  They remind me of the past, of good times and bad, and that I have the strength to get through anything.

13) I am thankful for the strength I have found in myself.  Or, rather, developed.  I still suffer from depression and grief, however I have a stronger character then when I was a teenager.  I have become self reliant, and I love that about myself.

Like I said, a short list, but I wanted to share some of those things with all of you.  In general, I am thankful to be alive, to wake up in the morning, and to know that I am on the right path in life.  Life isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

🙂 Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Home grown potatoes!

National Suicide Prevention Week.

So, you guys may or may not know that it’s national suicide prevention week.

I know.  Awesome start to a blog, huh?

But stay with me.  I just want to talk for a minute or two about this.  It’ll be warm and fuzzy.  And afterward we can have coffee and cookies and watch Adventure Time. (Which is an AMAZING SHOW FOR ALL AGES.)

Now, before I start, let me tell you that I’ve started seeing the counselor at school.  It has taken a lot for me to go because I don’t trust normal therapists.  This is the counselor at a community college, which doesn’t earn the greatest money.  She is there because she wants to help people.  People like me.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life.  Over the years I have learned not to talk about it because people of the stigma surrounding the entire thing.  Even the word ‘depression’ invokes a fight or flight response.  Some people simply don’t know how to handle it, or they automatically think you are seeking attention, or even make it up.  I promise you, I’m not.

Personally, I think depression is different for everyone.  In my mind (which is far from scientific), there’s a scale with different levels of severity.  That makes it hard to see in people.  Now, depression isn’t simply feeling sad.  It’s not having a dark day.  “I didn’t get enough sleep.  I am down today.” Isn’t depression.  That’s a shitty day.  Depression makes every day shitty.  It’s an all encompassing inescapable darkness that lives inside of you every day.

Everyone will tell you to tell someone you trust, and seek help.  I tried many times.  It is difficult for me to trust therapists, so I would confide in a close friend.  They would soon stop talking to me, avoid hanging out with me, and generally treat me differently.  They couldn’t handle it.  This happened to me multiple times, and after a while I stopped bothering to tell anyone.

I have spent months and months walking the edge of suicide.  It’s a struggle with myself because I know it’s irrational.  I know that there is a solution to my problems.  I know there should be hope. But no matter how many times you tell yourself that you deserve to live, the darkness feel like it’s too much.

I began to do things to protect myself.  When I have dark times, I don’t use big knives.  I stay away from heights.  I avoid sad songs.  I don’t use large cooking knives.  My family never owned a gun, so I wouldn’t even know how to buy one (walmart?).  I use an woman’s electric shaver instead of buying razors.  I claim they are too expensive, but in reality I don’t want to have access to them if that darkness gets too big.  I take away as many things as I can until I feel more secure.  It’s a false blanket, but it helps.  Sometimes.

Over the past several years, I learned to deal with this alone.  I learned that nobody will be there to help me. Nobody will listen, or care.  Nobody will save me.

This is a truncated version of the whole picture.  It has taken me a long time to say this.  Many people are like me.  They’re out there, suffering alone because nobody will listen to them.

If someone comes to you, please listen.  Don’t walk away.  Don’t find excuses to avoid them.  Be their friend.  Give them hugs.  Give them love and support.  Check on them every day.  If you think they are suicidal, don’t leave them alone.  That person trusts you.  It takes a lot of strength to ask for help.  Please, for their sake, be there for them.  It could save their life.

Update

A lot has been going in with my family. People are on pins and needles, and it feels like it will never end.

Are you a crafter? That’s how I take the edge off these days. I have been working on edging my granny squares the last day or two. I didn’t realize how many I made until I have to finish them! I have also started learning quilting from my mom. We are starting simple, with a small crazy scrap tie quilt. It is in the beginnings, so it will take a bit, but it is a nice way to think, or lose your stress in the stitches and music or tv. Crafting has been in my family for generations. We still have my Great Grandmother’s quilts, my other Great Grandmothers afghans, my mothers quilts and knitted afghans and scarves. All this is very important to me. It feels like they are here with me when I an working on a project. Maybe they are. I hope they can be proud of me. Someday I will be as strong as they were.

Thank you for reading. Good night.

Telltale signs of mid summer

In Western New York (and upstate as well) you always know when it is summer.  Every time you get in the car you’re bound to pass a farm stand or two with summer harvest bounty.  Zucchini, Summer Squash, and endless tomatoes fill the my meals every day.  Here and there you can still find some cherries or a few late berries.  Vegetables from a farm stand are different than the store.  They are warm, fresh, and simply holding them gives you a little thrill.  Every dish tastes better with fresh, locally grown food.  But it’s more than that.  You support local growers.  For example, peaches from down the road instead of across the country. (I look at the stickers on the fruit.)  But this food brings us together.  It brings family and friends around the table, campfire, bonfire, and so on.  It helps us make memories that last a lifetime.

My family has been making a conscious effort to shop at local businesses as much as possible.  We feel that it not only helps support our neighbors and community, but it helps rural poverty.  Here, and many other places like it, are so poor that they barely hang on.  The difference is that nobody talks about it.  Rather, they didn’t before recently. The falling economy has gotten people talking more about their hardships. It can be little things, like the price of milk, or bigger things, like the cost of heating oil.  I know many people who heat their homes with electric heaters over the winter because they can’t afford heating oil.  I guess that if I can help support them, I will. 

Besides, I have been on a journey to get healthy over the last year or two.  I have given up soda, junk food, and fast food.  I have been working vegetables into my diet (because I was one of those kids who hated them.) Shopping at the farm stands makes me eat better, which makes me want to cook more.  And then I buy more veggies.  It’s a fantastic circle!  We all could be a little more healthy, right?

I guess I just want everybody to be happy.  Myself included.  It isn’t always easy, but every little bit helps.  Lately that little bit is Zucchini! 🙂 

Thank you for reading.  I hope you have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening!