Archives for posts with tag: personal

Yeah, this is one of those posts.  

A lot of things have been happening in my life, not all good, and far beyond my control.  It has been a tough summer and fall for me, physically and emotionally. It’s easy to get drained going through stressful parts of your life, and I wonder when things are supposed to get better.  These days I always hear, “It gets better”.  I wonder, when? 

I have had a lot of family drama happen, and all of it unwanted.  I don’t do well with drama; in fact, I begin to shut down, especially when it is all blamed on me.  

Here’s a little back story.  A few years ago, I decided that I needed to do whatever I had to in order to be happy.  There were people in my life that made me feel bad about myself.  I stopped going to family events like Christmas, and stayed home with my Mother on those special days.  That was what we always wanted to do anyway.  We enjoy spending time home.  I saw this like cutting out an emotional tumor, because I didn’t need to feel any worse about myself.  This went on for a few years, until now.  I haven’t been to ‘family’ christmas in over three years, similarly with ‘easter’ (which hasn’t happened for even longer) and the fourth of july (I don’t even like barbecue, and I feel that you should love your country every day instead of only one). 

Before my Grandparents traveled back south for the winter, one of them waited until I was alone, and then proceeded to have a ‘conversation’ with me.  This family member told me that I had to overlook people’s shortcomings in order to keep the family together, and that the only way a family can stay together is to forgive them.  Or, something like that.  Of course it wasn’t that simple: I am generalizing here. This made me feel hurt and sad that they didn’t see how I felt so bad around these family members, and how I deserved to be happy.  It also sent me a clear message: I am tearing the family apart. Nobody else got that talk – just me.  I am the only person that did anything wrong.  Everything is my fault. 

As per usual.  

This set the tone of my autumn season.  Awesome start, right?  

Then, there is school, with all the silly drama there.  All my family problems, which are more than what I have talked about here, have made me feel depressed again.  Well, the holidays always do that to me, but it never gets any better.  

So, I have recommitted to myself.  I love being me, and I don’t want to change for anyone.  I will not allow myself to spiral downward into deep depression and suicide again.  Now, don’t get me wrong: there will be bad days.  Everyone has unavoidable;e down days.  However, I will not allow anyone to bring down my life, be it family members or new acquaintances.  

In the spirit of this, I am vowing to ‘get in the spirit’ of the season.  I celebrate the holidays – Santa and yule and such.  I am going to make Christmas cookies because, well, COOKIES!  It is thanksgiving soon.  I will try not to be negative this year.  

I miss my father terribly.  I know he wants me to be happy, and after all, this was his favorite time of year!  I will try my best to have a good time.  Nobody can drag me down again.  I will not let them. There’s nowhere to go but up. 

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate all your support.  

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This is the first time I’ve written a response to ‘The Daily Prompt’ on wordpress.  If you are a fellow wordpress blogger, I’m sure you’ve seen it.  If you haven’t that’s okay!  Here’s the link: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/18/daily-prompt-time/

It’s about procrastination.  Now, I know what you’re thinking – but it isn’t that kind of a post.  Today, I am talking about warm-and-fuzzy stuff.  Specifically, the personal life vs. the professional life.

I am not a party girl.  I never have been.  Two weeks out of high school I went off to one of the toughest schools for artists in the country.  The school is intensive, with classes all year, even the summer.  Strict attendance policy (meaning if you don’t go, you fail the class), and a dry campus makes for a bunch of artists working to the point of insanity.  You can’t party in that kind of atmostphere. After college, I gave everything to my job.  I walked miles, took buses, even had a two hour commute to get back home at 11pm at night.  Whatever I am doing, I give it my everything.  Not many people work themselves to sickness like I did. 

That is where my procrastination comes in.  I set aside everything for my ‘work’ – whatever is dominating my life at the time.  That can be a good thing, or a bad thing.  I am not sure which one applies to me.

I not only put off having a personal life with friends, or even *gasp* a significant other, but I put off being with my extended family as well.  This is part of a bigger issue I have with internalizing my emotions to get through the day.  I procrastinate dealing with my own emotional health, but also trying to fix my relationship with my extended family. Why do I do that?

Because my father died seven years ago.  I was a freshmen in college, in my first quarter of school. It was a few days before I could get home to see him on life support in the hospital.  My school was six hours drive away, and I had school. School was more important. 

I went home for, like, two days.  My Mother and Grandparents were there.  I don’t really remember much after that. Do you want to know who else was there?

Nobody.  No friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on.  Not a single person who was notified came to see me.  Hell, they didn’t even call me.  They didn’t call me for seven years. 

Whenever I saw them as a child and teenager, they usually made me feel bad about myself.  I was too fat, or too loud, or I said the wrong thing.  My aunts and uncles never made me feel like I was worthy of being around them.  Years after my father died, I wondered why, as an adult, did I feel like I needed to be around them?  Like I owed them something? 

About three years ago I wanted to be a healthier person.  I have been working on changing my life: healthy eating, exercise, doctor checkups, and so on.  I am even starting seeing a councelor when I start school in a week and a half.  At the beginning of this, I felt that I needed to find my true family.  The people who really cared about me.  Everyone else was cut out of my life.

I don’t know if procrastinating about my family issues is a good thing.  Probably not.  It is difficult now that I moved back home because some of my family want to ‘get us together’.  I keep putting it off, canceling it, and saying no.  I want to be happy, and maybe that doesn’t include them.

Now, I am pretty happy with my little family.  My Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa care about me.  They want me to be happy and succeed.  It means a lot that they support me in going back to school.  Sometimes, they seem more excited than I am.  My Grandfather even told me in a quiet, excited way,

“You’ll need to get a back pack!”

“We have a few old bags lying around.” I replied with a smile.

“You’ll need to get a back pack!” He repeated. 

He is excited.  We all are. 

I have said this before to people who are having problems.  If you are around people who bring you down – family, friends, etc. – then they aren’t really friends. 

That’s my procrastination, I guess.  Thank you for reading. ❤