Yeah, this is one of those posts.  

A lot of things have been happening in my life, not all good, and far beyond my control.  It has been a tough summer and fall for me, physically and emotionally. It’s easy to get drained going through stressful parts of your life, and I wonder when things are supposed to get better.  These days I always hear, “It gets better”.  I wonder, when? 

I have had a lot of family drama happen, and all of it unwanted.  I don’t do well with drama; in fact, I begin to shut down, especially when it is all blamed on me.  

Here’s a little back story.  A few years ago, I decided that I needed to do whatever I had to in order to be happy.  There were people in my life that made me feel bad about myself.  I stopped going to family events like Christmas, and stayed home with my Mother on those special days.  That was what we always wanted to do anyway.  We enjoy spending time home.  I saw this like cutting out an emotional tumor, because I didn’t need to feel any worse about myself.  This went on for a few years, until now.  I haven’t been to ‘family’ christmas in over three years, similarly with ‘easter’ (which hasn’t happened for even longer) and the fourth of july (I don’t even like barbecue, and I feel that you should love your country every day instead of only one). 

Before my Grandparents traveled back south for the winter, one of them waited until I was alone, and then proceeded to have a ‘conversation’ with me.  This family member told me that I had to overlook people’s shortcomings in order to keep the family together, and that the only way a family can stay together is to forgive them.  Or, something like that.  Of course it wasn’t that simple: I am generalizing here. This made me feel hurt and sad that they didn’t see how I felt so bad around these family members, and how I deserved to be happy.  It also sent me a clear message: I am tearing the family apart. Nobody else got that talk – just me.  I am the only person that did anything wrong.  Everything is my fault. 

As per usual.  

This set the tone of my autumn season.  Awesome start, right?  

Then, there is school, with all the silly drama there.  All my family problems, which are more than what I have talked about here, have made me feel depressed again.  Well, the holidays always do that to me, but it never gets any better.  

So, I have recommitted to myself.  I love being me, and I don’t want to change for anyone.  I will not allow myself to spiral downward into deep depression and suicide again.  Now, don’t get me wrong: there will be bad days.  Everyone has unavoidable;e down days.  However, I will not allow anyone to bring down my life, be it family members or new acquaintances.  

In the spirit of this, I am vowing to ‘get in the spirit’ of the season.  I celebrate the holidays – Santa and yule and such.  I am going to make Christmas cookies because, well, COOKIES!  It is thanksgiving soon.  I will try not to be negative this year.  

I miss my father terribly.  I know he wants me to be happy, and after all, this was his favorite time of year!  I will try my best to have a good time.  Nobody can drag me down again.  I will not let them. There’s nowhere to go but up. 

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate all your support.  

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