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So far, I have written general posts about rural life: chickens, horses, snow, cooking, and so on.  These are things I enjoy – they make me happy, and I figure there needs to be more happiness in my life.  Really, anyone’s life – yours included.  It goes by too quickly to be unhappy.  Whatever you love to do, get out there and do it NOW.  Frankie’s wisdom of the day! 

I was raised in small town America – horses, tractors, bonfires, and beat-up pickup trucks litter my childhood memories.  I love the quiet, open air; the forest with it’s musky smell of underbrush, the beautiful nothingness of an empty field, or long summer evenings with family and friends reminiscing about days and years not yet forgotten.  This is my home in every sense of the word. 

Here’s the kicker: I left. 

When I graduated from high school, I hightailed it out of here.  I went to college in a completely different state, encapsulating the small-town girl, big city stereotype.  In one swift move, I left my tiny comfort zone and experienced life – life, the beautiful and terrifying eternity we share with billions of other humans in an infinitely complicated web that lasts forever, and ends in the blink of an eye.  I lived in Florida, California, Pennsylvania, and finally ended up back here in Upstate New York.  Cities, suburbs, towns, and villages each have their own characteristic uniqueness that have molded me into the person I am today.  No, it’s more than that – these places have allowed me to find, accept, and embrace who I really am.  It took a while, but I finally made it.  There’s only one problem.

I forgot what the people are like.

I really did.  I went out into the world and forgot how afraid they are of what they don’t understand.   I left a shy girl looking to see the world, and I returned as something that scares people.  Gay. 

Rainbow Quote

Yeah, like this Gay.

Now, I know you don’t ‘turn’ gay.  I was born this way, and it took a long time for me to find myself (a short time comparatively in the grand scope of things), and let me tell you – the feeling of being yourself, and actually liking who you are, is indescribably amazing.  For me, it was an internal transformation.  I never really feel the need to scream “I’M GAY” from the rooftops.  I am comfortable being who I am, and that positively impacts my life.  

The people who live in rural America are apparently mystified by me.  They see my jeans and t-shirt as commonplace while I had long hair, most likely thinking me a variation of a tomboy.  However, I cut my long hair off for donation (as always was the plan), favoring a short haircut again.  This is not the first time I have cut my hair, and I didn’t think it was a huge deal.  (Okay, so it was a big deal to me, but my hair was like twelve inches long and SUPER HEAVY.  It feels nice to not have to rake it out every morning!) Cutting my hair was the only change I have made in the last week, and my goodness, you would think I turned purple and grew a third arm.

I get weird looks going into the women’s bathroom at school.  Today, two girls snickered and got quiet as I entered one of the stalls, leaving with awkward laughs and whispers.  Alone in the bathroom, I wondered what was so funny.  

Now, I have cut my hair short several times while living in urban areas, and I didn’t really get any backlash for it.  Sure, friends were stunned, and always said it looked nice.  Occasionally, while working retail a customer would call me ‘Sir’, quickly apologizing politely when they realized I was a woman.  I never minded, and I smiled, saying it was okay.  I was never treated negatively for having short hair, nor was I made to feel like I was wrong, or bad.  

It is the most ridiculous thing that this is happening.  I get significantly more looks in the past few days than I ever did while being out and living abroad.  It’s just hair!  What is everyone’s problem?  I dress exactly the same as I did before.  I eat the same things.  I use the same bathrooms (literally. Like every day).  It took me a bit of pondering to figure out what the problem was.  Do you want to know?

I look gay now.  With long hair, I was just a tomboy.  Now, with short hair, I’m a dyke.  I’m something that people just don’t understand – they fear.  And, just as you would think, they hate what they don’t understand. 

I’m not that scary.  I promise.  I have stuffed animals all over my bedroom.   Small dogs, cats, chickens, and horses are my furry family.  I play the guitar and like video games.  My favorite music frequently includes annoying synth dance music, rock, and metal.  I drive an old car.  I get a kick out of math humor and science facts.  I’ve never shot a gun, I’m afraid of using big knives in the kitchen, and I have never punched anyone.  When I am angry, many times I cry as a stress relief.  

Yeah, I’m pretty much the devil. 

Through all this, I don’t really hate them – those people who would rather live in the darkness of ignorance rather than the light of acceptance.  In reality, I pity them.  They judge me on how I look instead of who I really am.  Instead of talking to me, they laugh at me.  Instead of stepping out of their small comfort zone, they belittle.  It must be terrible to be afraid of someone because of how they look.  It makes me wonder how small their world really must be.  

I really want to show them how beautiful our differences are.  I will not allow fear to dictate my life.  I am happy being me.  Why is that scary?  

If you are reading this, I know that there are scary things in the world.  Big spiders are pretty freaky.  Heights and deep water are my phobias.  Nuclear weapons is a terrifying reality.  Genocide is unthinkable.  War, poverty, hunger, HIV/AIDS, and Cancer are unavoidably horrifying to think about.  There are a lot of things to be afraid of in the world.  A big lesbian who sleeps surrounded by cats and small dogs really shouldn’t be one of them.  

PRIDE

Love is Love!

 

 

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The last six months, I have been having intense, shooting headaches.  They got so unpredictable and bad that I was afraid to drive a car.  The Doctor told me they were Cluster Headaches, attributed them to stress, and proceeded to prescribe an anti-seizure medication.  I really hate taking medicine as it is because many times I feel that it treats a symptom, and not a disease.  Therefore, I didn’t take the medicine (since I don’t have seizures) and proceeded to de-stress my life.  I did research into my blinding headaches, and along the way I decided to stop eating gluten.  I figured that even if the Cluster Headaches continued, at least eating less wheat products and more fruits and veggies is healthy.

My Cluster Headaches completely stopped.  Every time I try eating something with gluten, within a half hour I get another Cluster Headache.  Even one single tortilla sets it off.  I was stunned that changing my diet would have such a dramatic result.  I quickly learned that gluten (which is in Wheat, Barley, and Rye), is an ingredient in everything.  Every meal had gluten, and it’s hidden in things you would never imagine. It has been difficult to give up things I love; like bread.  (I know there is gluten free bread, but it doesn’t taste very good, and it crumbles in an instant, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich impossible.)

My birthday is less than two weeks away, and I absolutely love cake!  Preferably chocolate cake with butter-cream frosting (because the cake exists to hold the frosting up). I have been gluten free for about a month, and in that time my Mother and I have been experimenting with gluten free baking mixes.  I have a secret for you: gluten free cake mix sucks.  Well, the one we tried did anyway.  We ended up tossing it in the bin because neither of us liked it, and that is saying a lot.  

On a side note: I had a jar of frosting, and I didn’t think to look at the label.  Why would I?  There’s no wheat in frosting!  Surprise!! There was wheat protein in this particular brand, and I didn’t think to look until after I had frosted the cake.  I was super happy about that.  

We found a gluten free bakery in our area, and on Monday we are going to try a cupcake.  We don’t want to spend a bunch of money in something I won’t like.  I have high hopes for this cupcake because in addition to cake, I LOVE CUPCAKES!  They are the perfect little (and sometimes not-so-little) pieces of cake heaven.  Of course, there is cupcake eating etiquette, and that can differ from person to person.  I always eat the bottom first because, as I said before, I love frosting.  You always save the best for last!  

I wish that I could eat gluten.  I really miss eating cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, sandwiches, croutons, soy sauce, and more. I miss cheap cookie mixes and brownie chunks in my ice cream.  On the flip side, I really enjoy being in less pain, and I have been generally feeling better.  The next step is exercising in a more frequent basis.  This is all new, and I still miss those things that have been staples in my life, but really thinking about what you are consuming is a humbling experience. 

This is a response to the wordpress daily prompt! http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/15/daily-prompt-pour-some-sugar-on-me/  They are a fantastic way to open up your creativity!  

My Mother often tells me that Fred and Steve, our Daschounds, radiate heat. Last night, Steve joined Yani, our coated Mexican hairless, in bed. It was better than a heated blanket. Thy both snuggled up to me under the cover, and it is nice not to sleep alone.

Up here in the U.S. it’s cold. You wouldn’t think that was record news, but because it’s wisespread, everyone on television has to freak out. As if they didn’t have heated homes, cars, and workplaces designed for comfort. Oh, what a terrible life they have!

Obviously, that is sarcasm. Who I really worry about are the homeless. In the city near me, they set ‘warm up shelters’ to help people not die from exposure. I have been praying for them.

I also worry about the people who cannot afford heat. They have homes, jobs, and an income, but they cannot afford heating oil. Out here, most people heat their homes with propane. With the high prices, it can be impossible. The difference between rural poor and urban poor is that way out here, nobody talks about it.

I think it’s time we do talk about it, because it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Please, keep those cold people in your thoughts and prayers. If it’s cold where you are, stay warm, stay inside, and be careful of frostbite and hypothermia.

Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day!!

Saturdays are made for spending time resting from the busy week. Of course, there are times when we actually have to leave (gasp!) and so stuff in town, but we decided to do blow it off until tomorrow. Instead, we spend time at home with our pets. Yesterday and today I haven’t been feeling well either, so I didn’t object. I snapped a few pictures, and I would like to share them with you!

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Fred is one of our Daschounds. He hates it when I take his picture, and therefore makes it his mission to look as pathetic as possible. Here, he lays in the sun on top of a blanket in a laundry basket. Hard life. 🙂

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Yani wiggles every time he sees me taking a picture. He always looks up at me with this expression, and though my mother says he looks weird, I think he is adorable! He is my baby, and I love him so much!!

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Dusty kitten this morning! She has doubled in size in the last six weeks or so! She is still small, but she has so much personality! I am pretty sure she has attacked everything in the house more than once!

These are tidbits from my silly life. I have an instagram where I post pictures like this. @maubelmaniac 🙂 I enjoy sharing my furry family with everyone. Many times, they are all that get me through the tough days. They are marvelous creatures.

Goodnight! Happy nights bring happy days!

Here in the U.S. it’s Thanksgiving.  Now, normally I am not a very happy person during this time of year.  However, I have decided to do my best to ‘get in the spirit’ and not have a shitty holiday season.  Don’t get me wrong, I am stressed, tired, and up-and-down on the daily depression meter.  However, I see my Counselor every week at school, which is helping me cope with life at the moment.  The good thing about the state community colleges is that they seem to really care about you.  It’s a totally different experience than the bigger universities, where you are just a number.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (the real spirit, instead of the bastardized version that promotes excessive shopping), I decided to put down a list of things I am thankful for.  Now, this is not by any means comprehensive, nor will be in any real order.

1) The sun.

2) The moon and stars.

3) My Mother, who supports me through the good and bad times and wants only my health and happiness.

4) Raspberries.

5) The Computerized Drafting and Design program, because I really, really like it.

6) That I chose to live.

7) That I have had the opportunity to live in different corners of the United States.

8) My pets, who love me unconditionally.  I love them so much.

9) Mashed Potatoes.

10) Spaghetti.

11) BBC. (Doctor Who, Sherlock, and so on)

12) Tattoos.  My tattoos are symbols of where I have been.  They remind me of the past, of good times and bad, and that I have the strength to get through anything.

13) I am thankful for the strength I have found in myself.  Or, rather, developed.  I still suffer from depression and grief, however I have a stronger character then when I was a teenager.  I have become self reliant, and I love that about myself.

Like I said, a short list, but I wanted to share some of those things with all of you.  In general, I am thankful to be alive, to wake up in the morning, and to know that I am on the right path in life.  Life isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

🙂 Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Yeah, this is one of those posts.  

A lot of things have been happening in my life, not all good, and far beyond my control.  It has been a tough summer and fall for me, physically and emotionally. It’s easy to get drained going through stressful parts of your life, and I wonder when things are supposed to get better.  These days I always hear, “It gets better”.  I wonder, when? 

I have had a lot of family drama happen, and all of it unwanted.  I don’t do well with drama; in fact, I begin to shut down, especially when it is all blamed on me.  

Here’s a little back story.  A few years ago, I decided that I needed to do whatever I had to in order to be happy.  There were people in my life that made me feel bad about myself.  I stopped going to family events like Christmas, and stayed home with my Mother on those special days.  That was what we always wanted to do anyway.  We enjoy spending time home.  I saw this like cutting out an emotional tumor, because I didn’t need to feel any worse about myself.  This went on for a few years, until now.  I haven’t been to ‘family’ christmas in over three years, similarly with ‘easter’ (which hasn’t happened for even longer) and the fourth of july (I don’t even like barbecue, and I feel that you should love your country every day instead of only one). 

Before my Grandparents traveled back south for the winter, one of them waited until I was alone, and then proceeded to have a ‘conversation’ with me.  This family member told me that I had to overlook people’s shortcomings in order to keep the family together, and that the only way a family can stay together is to forgive them.  Or, something like that.  Of course it wasn’t that simple: I am generalizing here. This made me feel hurt and sad that they didn’t see how I felt so bad around these family members, and how I deserved to be happy.  It also sent me a clear message: I am tearing the family apart. Nobody else got that talk – just me.  I am the only person that did anything wrong.  Everything is my fault. 

As per usual.  

This set the tone of my autumn season.  Awesome start, right?  

Then, there is school, with all the silly drama there.  All my family problems, which are more than what I have talked about here, have made me feel depressed again.  Well, the holidays always do that to me, but it never gets any better.  

So, I have recommitted to myself.  I love being me, and I don’t want to change for anyone.  I will not allow myself to spiral downward into deep depression and suicide again.  Now, don’t get me wrong: there will be bad days.  Everyone has unavoidable;e down days.  However, I will not allow anyone to bring down my life, be it family members or new acquaintances.  

In the spirit of this, I am vowing to ‘get in the spirit’ of the season.  I celebrate the holidays – Santa and yule and such.  I am going to make Christmas cookies because, well, COOKIES!  It is thanksgiving soon.  I will try not to be negative this year.  

I miss my father terribly.  I know he wants me to be happy, and after all, this was his favorite time of year!  I will try my best to have a good time.  Nobody can drag me down again.  I will not let them. There’s nowhere to go but up. 

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate all your support.  

I’ve lives in several different states across the U.S.; Pennsylvania, Florida, and Southern California.  Everywhere I went, I got one big response.  It went something like this: “Oh, terrible weather there!”  Sometimes, there were more colorful metaphors involved with the comment, but essentially it was always the same.  Oh, the terrible weather!  Why would anyone ever live there? 

It always perplexes me that people judge Upstate/western New York without even visiting.  They have no idea what it’s really like.  They always think, “SNOW!” and they immediately treat it with disdain.  The thing is that half the world has snow.  It’s part of the whole climate aspect of the planet.  

It makes me sad that most people don’t even realize that there’s a state attached to New York City, but there’s so many other amazing things through the year that make rural New York amazing!  So, I thought I’d share some of them with all of you! First up: Fall.  

Fall is in full swing.  I live in Western New York, near Buffalo, Rochester, and the Finger Lakes.  The first and most obvious are the trees! There’s forests everywhere, and the trees become a bonfire of colors that really make the season pop!  Reds, yellows, and oranges like roads, hills, crop fields, and especially the Great Lakes.  There’s even foliage reports on the news.  

Secondly, Fall is the time when events and festivals are still in full swing.  For example, there’s Oktoberfest, and New York comes alive with Wine and Beer, giving local businesses a chance to really show their stuff!  There’s also The Fringe Festival in Rochester, New York, and it highlights the performing artists of the area.  There’s more than you think to Upstate New York! 

Fall is the time for family fun!  Hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin patches, and trick -or- treat events are a constant in our area.  Bits of the harvest is coming in, and you can find the farmer’s bounty at farm stands and farmer’s markets all along the roads.  Delicious!  

That brings me to a topic that needs only one word. Apples. New York is the apple state, after all.  They are amazingly wonderful!  New York Apple Cider is the tastiest drink!  Try hot mulled cider on a chilly evening!  You won’t regret it!

My favorite is the cooler temperatures – but not too cold yet.  I love to take the dogs for a walk, sweatshirt and a brightly colored scarf keeping me warm.  I live in an isolated area, and so it’s very quiet through the day, and it makes it perfect for afternoon strolls.  The dogs love to smell and sniff everything!  I love spending time with my furry family. 

These are only a few of the reasons why Autumn in New York is fantastic.  If you visit our lovely countryside, consider Fall for the time of year! 

What do you love about the season?

 

 

So, you guys may or may not know that it’s national suicide prevention week.

I know.  Awesome start to a blog, huh?

But stay with me.  I just want to talk for a minute or two about this.  It’ll be warm and fuzzy.  And afterward we can have coffee and cookies and watch Adventure Time. (Which is an AMAZING SHOW FOR ALL AGES.)

Now, before I start, let me tell you that I’ve started seeing the counselor at school.  It has taken a lot for me to go because I don’t trust normal therapists.  This is the counselor at a community college, which doesn’t earn the greatest money.  She is there because she wants to help people.  People like me.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life.  Over the years I have learned not to talk about it because people of the stigma surrounding the entire thing.  Even the word ‘depression’ invokes a fight or flight response.  Some people simply don’t know how to handle it, or they automatically think you are seeking attention, or even make it up.  I promise you, I’m not.

Personally, I think depression is different for everyone.  In my mind (which is far from scientific), there’s a scale with different levels of severity.  That makes it hard to see in people.  Now, depression isn’t simply feeling sad.  It’s not having a dark day.  “I didn’t get enough sleep.  I am down today.” Isn’t depression.  That’s a shitty day.  Depression makes every day shitty.  It’s an all encompassing inescapable darkness that lives inside of you every day.

Everyone will tell you to tell someone you trust, and seek help.  I tried many times.  It is difficult for me to trust therapists, so I would confide in a close friend.  They would soon stop talking to me, avoid hanging out with me, and generally treat me differently.  They couldn’t handle it.  This happened to me multiple times, and after a while I stopped bothering to tell anyone.

I have spent months and months walking the edge of suicide.  It’s a struggle with myself because I know it’s irrational.  I know that there is a solution to my problems.  I know there should be hope. But no matter how many times you tell yourself that you deserve to live, the darkness feel like it’s too much.

I began to do things to protect myself.  When I have dark times, I don’t use big knives.  I stay away from heights.  I avoid sad songs.  I don’t use large cooking knives.  My family never owned a gun, so I wouldn’t even know how to buy one (walmart?).  I use an woman’s electric shaver instead of buying razors.  I claim they are too expensive, but in reality I don’t want to have access to them if that darkness gets too big.  I take away as many things as I can until I feel more secure.  It’s a false blanket, but it helps.  Sometimes.

Over the past several years, I learned to deal with this alone.  I learned that nobody will be there to help me. Nobody will listen, or care.  Nobody will save me.

This is a truncated version of the whole picture.  It has taken me a long time to say this.  Many people are like me.  They’re out there, suffering alone because nobody will listen to them.

If someone comes to you, please listen.  Don’t walk away.  Don’t find excuses to avoid them.  Be their friend.  Give them hugs.  Give them love and support.  Check on them every day.  If you think they are suicidal, don’t leave them alone.  That person trusts you.  It takes a lot of strength to ask for help.  Please, for their sake, be there for them.  It could save their life.

I watch the ‘Sunday Morning Talking Heads’.  That’s what my family calls them, anyway. I usually get angry at them, but it is a slow, simmering anger that doesn’t really have an impact on my day.  Today was completely different.

While watching Meet The Press, the first show we watch, and significantly tamer than Face The Nation (which was cancelled today due to tennis.  Probably a good thing.), they were talking about President Obama announcing that he will ask Congress for permission on air strikes against the Syrian government.  They have a Sunday morning question on facebook you can comment on.  Today’s question was this: “Do you think the president needs Congressional approval for Syria strikes?”

Oh boy.

Now, in my defense, my original intention was to simply add my viewpoint to the discussion.  Honestly.  What I didn’t intend was that I would get sucked into following a real-time facebook thread for the next hour and a half.

It was magical.  (Sarcasm.  My Mother found the loud, caffeinated screaming at my smart phone funny.)

I am a liberal who supports the military.  Shocking, I know.  My answer to the question was basically that asking congress is a good political move, but I support Air Strikes even if the answer is no.

I didn’t think that was such a revolutionary viewpoint.

What ensued after that was me growing enraged at the surprising number of Americans who keeps saying variations on this: “Fix our country first.” “Peace, love, and *insert warm and fuzzy emotion here*.”

And then there were even more variations on this: “The people should vote!  Obama’s not a Dictator!  The decision should be made by popular vote, not the President!”

Oh. My. God.

I put multiple comments on the thread, trying to make people understand basic facts about how the United States government works, but unsurprisingly it made no impact.  Simple things that we learn in PIG class (Participation in Government) in high school are foreign concepts.  So, here it is for all my friends overseas (because you should know your own government process, and I don’t expect everyone to be completely obsessed with mine. It pisses me off enough, I can’t imagine what you guys think), and anybody who was absent during, oh, all of high school.

(Hint: That was a sarcastic dig at the completely idiotic public school system.)

The United States Federal Government is comprised of three basic parts: The Supreme Court, Congress, and The President.  They are intended to work together for the prosperity of the country.  There is a system of ‘checks and balances’ that ensures one branch doesn’t gain too much power over the others.

The citizens of The United States elect representatives to Congress, which has two subdivisions: The House of Representatives and The Senate.  These people are supposed to represent “the people”.  Congress is the only entity that can make laws and decide how to spend the government’s money.  This form of government is called ‘Democratic Republic’.

It might come as a shock to people that the United States is not a true Democracy.  Democracy in it’s purest form is where people vote, and the majority rules.  That’s not what happens in The United States.  Even the elections for the President are not a true Democracy.  There are two parts for a Presidential election: Popular and Electoral.  Each State has a certain amount of ‘Electors’.  This is an old process held over from the 1700’s when the majority of people couldn’t read and write.  Electors were supposed to go to Washington, learn about the presidential candidates, and take the information back to their citizens.  Then, the citizens would vote. Then, the Electors bring their votes to Washington DC.  States with high populations have more electors than other states.  The number of electors are based on the federal census.  This is how presidents who lose the popular vote get elected.  Get the big states, and you win.

My point is that The United States doesn’t run by majority rule.  If you have heard different, you are just wrong.  Similarly, if you are under the belief that the citizens of the United States are constitutionally entitled to a vote on declaring war or air strikes in Syria, you are also wrong.  I am not being mean or sarcastic.  You are wrong.

We don’t get a say in what happens.  Under current law, the President needs to ask Congress to declare war.  He isn’t doing that.  He’s asking permission to order air strikes in Syria as punishment for using chemical weapons on it’s own people.  This is a courtesy; President Obama doesn’t need to ask them permission.  He is being nice, and it is a good political move.  Not that I assume Congress will do anything.  They are ineffective tubs of idiotic bullshit.

My Mother said I got no responses because my posts were too smart.  The facebook thread followers didn’t understand my line of reasoning.

What made me more angry was that people keep saying that “We need to stay out of it”, “Fix our own country”, and so on.  Here’s what I think about that.

The U.S. is the richest nation in the world. Even our poor people live like kings compared to some places.  That being said, I think it is terrible that you are willing to stand by and watch as thousands upon thousands of people are murdered.  how can you just sit back and see people – see children, for heaven’s sake – systematically killed?  How can you look at over one million children in refugee camps and tell them that you don’t care if they live or die?

For that matter, how can you look your own children in the eye and and tell them that millions of people don’t matter?  How can you wake up in the morning and know that you care more about email than the lives of millions of families? How do you live with yourself?

I don’t know, but I have to live with myself.  I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I lived by my conscience.  I have to be able to look any child, boy, girl, black, white, latino, asian, christian, muslin, jewish, buddist, hindu, and everything in between and tell them that I will fight for their rights.

Saying that it isn’t ‘our’ problem aligns you with mass murderer.  Is that the kind of person you want to be?

These people made me ashamed to be a United States citizen.  I support the air strikes, sending aid to the rebels, and helping more innocent people die.  Even if the rest of the world won’t get involved, I think we have a responsibility to the human race.

Syria’s problem is our problem. It’s France’s problem.  It’s Britain’s problem.  It’s North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Australia, and Asia’s problem. It’s a HUMAN problem.  It’s a GLOBAL problem.

We are part of the global community, and we should act like it.

This is the first time I’ve written a response to ‘The Daily Prompt’ on wordpress.  If you are a fellow wordpress blogger, I’m sure you’ve seen it.  If you haven’t that’s okay!  Here’s the link: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/18/daily-prompt-time/

It’s about procrastination.  Now, I know what you’re thinking – but it isn’t that kind of a post.  Today, I am talking about warm-and-fuzzy stuff.  Specifically, the personal life vs. the professional life.

I am not a party girl.  I never have been.  Two weeks out of high school I went off to one of the toughest schools for artists in the country.  The school is intensive, with classes all year, even the summer.  Strict attendance policy (meaning if you don’t go, you fail the class), and a dry campus makes for a bunch of artists working to the point of insanity.  You can’t party in that kind of atmostphere. After college, I gave everything to my job.  I walked miles, took buses, even had a two hour commute to get back home at 11pm at night.  Whatever I am doing, I give it my everything.  Not many people work themselves to sickness like I did. 

That is where my procrastination comes in.  I set aside everything for my ‘work’ – whatever is dominating my life at the time.  That can be a good thing, or a bad thing.  I am not sure which one applies to me.

I not only put off having a personal life with friends, or even *gasp* a significant other, but I put off being with my extended family as well.  This is part of a bigger issue I have with internalizing my emotions to get through the day.  I procrastinate dealing with my own emotional health, but also trying to fix my relationship with my extended family. Why do I do that?

Because my father died seven years ago.  I was a freshmen in college, in my first quarter of school. It was a few days before I could get home to see him on life support in the hospital.  My school was six hours drive away, and I had school. School was more important. 

I went home for, like, two days.  My Mother and Grandparents were there.  I don’t really remember much after that. Do you want to know who else was there?

Nobody.  No friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on.  Not a single person who was notified came to see me.  Hell, they didn’t even call me.  They didn’t call me for seven years. 

Whenever I saw them as a child and teenager, they usually made me feel bad about myself.  I was too fat, or too loud, or I said the wrong thing.  My aunts and uncles never made me feel like I was worthy of being around them.  Years after my father died, I wondered why, as an adult, did I feel like I needed to be around them?  Like I owed them something? 

About three years ago I wanted to be a healthier person.  I have been working on changing my life: healthy eating, exercise, doctor checkups, and so on.  I am even starting seeing a councelor when I start school in a week and a half.  At the beginning of this, I felt that I needed to find my true family.  The people who really cared about me.  Everyone else was cut out of my life.

I don’t know if procrastinating about my family issues is a good thing.  Probably not.  It is difficult now that I moved back home because some of my family want to ‘get us together’.  I keep putting it off, canceling it, and saying no.  I want to be happy, and maybe that doesn’t include them.

Now, I am pretty happy with my little family.  My Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa care about me.  They want me to be happy and succeed.  It means a lot that they support me in going back to school.  Sometimes, they seem more excited than I am.  My Grandfather even told me in a quiet, excited way,

“You’ll need to get a back pack!”

“We have a few old bags lying around.” I replied with a smile.

“You’ll need to get a back pack!” He repeated. 

He is excited.  We all are. 

I have said this before to people who are having problems.  If you are around people who bring you down – family, friends, etc. – then they aren’t really friends. 

That’s my procrastination, I guess.  Thank you for reading. ❤